The Pastor's Pen

Ah yes, the age-old mystery that has baffled men since the dawn of time: how to keep the wife happy. Historians have uncovered cave paintings of prehistoric men bringing flowers (or maybe freshly hunted mammoths) to their partners, desperately hoping to earn a smile—or at least avoid a rolling pin to the head. Fast-forward a few millennia, and not much has changed, except now you can order your peace offerings on Amazon Prime.

First things first, remember this golden rule: you are wrong. It doesn’t matter what the topic is—whether it’s which way the toilet paper roll should go (over, obviously) or how to properly load the dishwasher—just assume she’s right. You’ll save yourself hours of “discussion” and at least one evening of sleeping diagonally on the couch. Winning an argument is vastly overrated compared to winning dinner cooked for you.

Next, we have the art of “listening.” Not the kind of listening where you nod absentmindedly while scrolling through your phone, but the kind where you actually remember that her coworker Susan is a passive-aggressive nightmare who microwaves fish at work. Remembering small details like that earns you massive bonus points—it’s like emotional Sudoku.

Of course, gifts help too. But here’s the trick: it’s not about the gift. It’s about the thought, the timing, and the fact that it wasn’t a panic buy from the gas station on your way home. Buy her favorite coffee unprompted, and you’ll be a hero. Forget your anniversary, and you’ll be a cautionary tale.

Finally, the true secret: sometimes “keeping the wife happy” is just about effort. Fold the laundry, compliment her new haircut, pretend to be deeply fascinated by the plot of her latest true-crime documentary. It’s less about grand gestures and more about daily demonstrations that say, “Yes, I’m still paying attention.”

In the end, the truth is simple—happy wife, happy life. Ignore that wisdom at your peril. Or don’t. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re reheating leftovers alone and the thermostat mysteriously “breaks” to a steady 58°F.